yeah i was jus studying my physics minding my own business and then my dad kalls me outside and tells me to look at something and itz the letters NWC spray painted on my dad's van...yeah thatz great...stupid amatuers...they need more practice...phreakin' A ....bad stuff jus happends to everyone doesnt' it...itz not all that bad but still tho....i dunno...then i go inside and start studying again....theni go online...and as usuall wait...yeah...then she signs on and itz jus her away...so i wait somemore....and then she IMs me back...and yeah.....it seems that she's always the one pointing out stuff....i mean.....yeah ure right....i'm always happy around u and that i don't usually ever show my sadness and my worries or my negative side towards u....but i'm happy around u kuz u make me happy...is that bad?..... i dunno if it is or not.....but then again ure right tho that well i don't tell u everything....and i told u y......and well i guess u read it but still tho itz not good enough kuz it isn't....but what do u want me to do.......i guess the answer to that is to b honest w/ u and truthfull w/ u but i am...the only thing i don't tell u is when i'm pissed off or angry or frustrated kuz of u...kuz i am at times.....but i let that pass kuz i try to understand y well ..y my persistance isn't going newhere...kuz i guess this is the way u want things...and mayb i haven't kome around to accepting that and i'm still trying...and i put this happy face on so u kan't see what it does to me...i mean i kan't jus go up to u and yell out "whatz wrong w/ me?!?!" or "am i getting to u?!?!" or "are u ever listening"...kuz i guess i am getting to u ..and there is something wrong w/ me..and that u are listening...but i guess i don't realize that...i didn't realize what i was doing...and mayb still doing...and i don't know y i do this or y i did this....but if u want to know i was always truthfull to u until a certain point....and mayb thatz when things got shaky...kuz i told u something that i dunno i guess i was hoping for a different response but as luck would have it i didn't hear what i wanted to hear...but everything happends for a reason right so thatz ok....and yeah mayb i did slowly start klosing some areas off kuz itz hard ok...i know u don't deserve this..u don't deserve ne of the bull ish in ure life or ne of the bull ish that i may or am kausing....and i didn't realize what i was doing to u...kuz i was being selfish u kould say...i only thought of me..and what am i gonna do ...or how kould i do this..and that and etc. etc...and blah blah...i didn't really stop to think about u..when it was u who i started to always think about...i mean...mann phreakin' A i didn't want ne of the negative things to happend...all i want is happiness..but unfortunately in the pursuit of happiness all this krap happend...and if i was only was reflecting...(notice i didn't say thinking..kuz so far thinking hasn't gotten me newhere)..mayb it wouldn't of happend..but i guess (ok i'm sorry i'm going back into optimistic mode again) everything thatz happend is supposed to of happend to bring about some good ...(ok i'll try my best to stop being so positive but hey itz only my nature).....but yeah ure right..ure always right....i'm not being truthfull w/ u all the time and itz not right and u don't deserve that and if i do kontinue to do this then u shouldn't kare ne more kuz if itz not working then y bother...and iknow how u deal w/ things...and i don't want u to stop karing...kuz i like the fact that u do..that u aktually do...and i guess in a way it surprizes me that u aktually do..i mean i'm not xpecting u to be all blah blah about me or nething but it is nice to know that u do kare and that ure helping me see things the way they really are..kuz i guess that i'm not really seeing things the way they really are...but u..yes you...yeah thatz right you....for some reason u get to me like no one else kan....u jus know the right thing to say to make me think the way i should..i mean itz not like everything u say kompletely changes my mind or nething but i'm saying itz what u say i dunno it kounts u know..i mean what everyone sayz to me kounts..i'm not disregarding that but what u say is different and is special..and no bull krap there total honesty....yeah when i was down and out kuz my Lola died and i was soo phreakin' pissed off at everything i mean really i was at everything i lost faith i lost hope and blah i didn't want neone to know and well i had to kuz well a death in a family well u jus kan't kover that up...but yet u were really there for me...and i really thank u for that...and i do owe u that honesty....i mean dang.....phreakin' A....u got me thinking...like u always do and well damn...it is ph*cked up.....sigh........but it seems that whenever u point something out i try to change u know...i mean i'm not saying everything u say is changin' me but like the criticizms and stuff..the stuff i NEED to hear kuz no ones telling me...it usually only komes from u.....and ure the one who i really haven't been 200% truthfull w/....i kan say sorry but i guess to u it won't mean a thing unless i do something to back that sorry up....words r nothing w/out aktions...but these words r aktions w/in themselves...its a step not the total step i think u want but things don't change over night..they need time to settle...sigh...i'm sorry Aizirk....i didn't mean to treat u like this..to treat u differently...to not b me the real me all the time to u kuz thatz what u deserve and i don't want to short change u kuz u don't deserve it......but i'm willing to change...but change doesn't kome ez and i suppose u know that.....change komes w/ time and hard work....but this is a step..a small step but a step nonetheless....i'm sorry.....no matter how many 'i'm sorry's i kan say it won't mean a thing to u untill i really do what i say...say what i really feel....and b the real me, all of me to u, all the time....
posted by Leon at 11:49 PM