first off..i'd like to say i had loads of phun at Roach's debut/kotillion...thank u for inviting me and for letting me perform...thankx...i liked performing and singing in front of an audience...and i liked learning the line dancing...and dancing w/ pD even tho we were the only 'kids' there surrounded by old people..hahaha...yeah phunny komment pD...RIGHT when they were all nex to us hahaha...yeah.....oh yeah Annie and Muckey danced too hahaha..good job kids...ok thatz enough of the happy stuff...lo siento if u wanted a happy happy happy Noel's happy happy happy blog...ok i'll jus warn u ...most of u might and proally will not understand what i'm about to blog about and stuff..but itz ok..i don't really ask U guyz to understand but just to read yeah....

so as i was driving on my way home....the green lights told me to keep on going and going...but there were some red lights...they tried to stop me but i didn't let it....yeah even tho things get in my way i ain't gonna take that ish u know what i'm saying...yeah....ok here we go.................

"i'm sorry...........kuz..........."

yeah thatz what echoed on my mind on the way home....yeah..i kept on asking y and what it was for kuz i didn't want to think about it..i didn't want to realize it for mmyself...even tho i already knew..mayb itz not totally just that..mayb itz kuz i wanted U to say it forureself....mayb itz kuz i felt that yeah iknow but what good does it if i know what it is but u kan't say it ureself u know.....i dunno i'm sorry if i seem harsh in this blog and if i seem to kome down on u or on other peopoleand people ingeneral but this is whatz on my mind..this is what i'mim thinking..and URE the one who said to b myself...and to say how i really feel....and well this is what i'm doing...and mayb i'm not really sorry...but i dunno....yeah i don't i dunno...kuz how and y should i b sorry if this is how i honestly truely feel u know...i mean everyone has a right to feel the way they feel i suppose...i dunno...but yeah i dunno was thinking and thinking on my way home..i didn't even need to think about the phunny thing Jenn did to make me stay awake or nething..u know...i jus had all of these thoughts on my mind and yeah....i mean i dunno..mayb thatz the first thing that imediately bugged i suppose...well the fakt that u jus didn't say it..an di know ure not a direkt person and i should really understand that but i dunno it doesn't feel like right or i dunno..it doesn't feel like u really mean it if u don't say what ure really 'sorry' about .....i mean i dunno..mayb itz jus a standard that i hold upon myself and that if i myself and really and truely and honestly sorry for something i knwo what the hell it is i'm sorry for and i'm gonna say it..mayb thatz jus mee...and i dunno....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i dunno (yeah for those who haven't heard me talk or xpress how i feel when i'm dissapointed or mad or sad or what have u ..jus do ure best w/ my 'sound affects'..i'm trying to type them out as how i would really say them)...yeah i dunno itz jus i dunno....blah..blah blah blah phreakin' A...itz like what i said in an earlier post i question y but i'm not ready for the answer....i think thatz true in all kases of life..i think taht we all already know the reallll answer..kuz itz w/in us...and that itzjus that we ourselves rn't ready to accept and to understand what that answer is......and right now i don't want to accept it...and itz hard to do....an di try not to..but the harder i try not to...the harder it hits me when it arrizes....and please don't say ure sorry..kuz i mean....what r u gonna do?..honestly?...i. mean itz jus how u feel right now..and i kan't stop that..i kan't change that..i don't know what the hell to do about it....i mean blah...i know u want to change i know ure tired of being uresame 'ol self and i know i want to help u...i want to help him...i want to help her..i. want to help them..i want to help everyone...but what good does it do me and to U especially if u don't change..or if he doesn't change..or if she doesn't change..or if they dont' change..or if everyone doesn't change..i mean i'm not jus doing this krap for my own health u know..i want to help u and them and everyone..but honestly it does U ALL no good if u don't do nething about it..mayb u are..mayb they are..mayb i'm not seeing it..mayb i dont' want to see it...but if u want it..if u all mean it...if ne one means nething now adayz..then do something about it..u know...a person tells another person they're sorry...but number 1..what the hell r they sorry for?....number 2...what r they gonna do about it?...i mean i dunno..mayb i'm jus being harsh on everyone...and mayb i have all these phreakin' high xpectations on everyone..i mean i kan't help it...itz in my blood..i HAVE to have HIGH xpectations in everyone..kuz i have HIGH xpektations on myself...and i'm always hard on my self and mayb thatz y i'm always hard on everyone else....i dunno...i remember when u told me to not blind myself ....at first i didn't understand...then i did...but i thought 'hell no' i don't kare....soo waht if i do..so what?!?!....at least i have good reasons too..at least i want to change something that has a want to b changed..and if i have to blind myself to change it then i will damn it.....i don't kare....i know what i need to do...but do U know what U need to do?...do u?...honestly?.....mayb u do..mayb u don't..mayb u do but i dont' see that u do kuz i feel as if u haven't and u haven't found it..mayb ..i dunno..i dont' know nething..but i know alot of things....and i thought 'hmm mayb the reason y she told me to not blind myself is kuz she doesn't blind herself .....?" am i right? or is it jus a thought?..i don't know...i don't know if i'm ready to know...mayb i amm..i don't know....ish...phreakkin' A....yeah...so now i wonoder....'is that y she told me that?"......i don't know....blah....my head hurts...so does my heart..and my side to for givin' a 40 min. massage in a bad position..but i'm glad it helped ease ure pain...i don't really kare if i have pain bkuz of it..kuz i'm not importatnt.....who kares about me...i know at times i don't..a.nd i'm purdy shure there are times when the people around me don't either..and i know i know what ure gonna say and the lekture ure going togive and yada yada yada etc. etc.and iknow how ure gonna say 'people jus dont' know how to show it but itz there' and mayb thatz jus not good enough i dunno..mayb i'm jus too really internally demanding...mayb i jus want the impossible bkuz i honestly belive that it IS possible...i don't know..do u know?...does he know.. does she know?...do they know?....i don't know....i mean i don't know....blah...grr...ahhhh.....sigh....i dont' know...i know u want to change...but i know u have alot of sh*T to take kare of..and to figure out...and i dunno..i know that i told u i'm here for u and I AM...i will b ..and i want to..no matter what it takes..or how much it hurts..kzu thatz what U NEED right now..someone who aint gonna back down..someone who knows u....someone who respekts u.....and i want to b that someone...i dunno..mayb u don't want me to....mayb i'm wrong....mayb i'm right..who knows?..i don't.....but really....i dunno....i know right now i sound really doubtfull hehe...kinda like someone i know.....but i know uregonna say 'i'm rubbing off on u too much' and i don't mind..kuz i really woulldn't want it ne other way....yeah...but then again i read this quote that went something like this ' i show u doubt so u kan prove to me that u have faith' and i guess itz right...thatz the reason y people doubt at TIMES is to show that they will and do have faith in themselves..or in other people..or in things in general..or even life..i don't know...butt yeah....i doubt..but i still have faith...is it wrong for me to have so much faith...too see soo much potential..to see so much good that kan happen?..i.s that wrong...someone please tell me...or not...hell i dont' kare....but i know i do...an di kan't change that...mayb thatz how i help people..i let them know that i belieive..and i have faith in the good that they kan do..and that they themselves have the power to change things...i kan show u the path but ikan't tellu how to take it u know..think about it......and lo siento to make u think even more....and i know u have soooooooo much krap to think about and that shelf/kubord to rearrange andeverything..and damn the fellow who skrewed it up....hahahahahahaha...but i knwo u have to do what u have to do...and i'm sorry i had to tell u this on my blog..but it seems as if whenever i'm about to say it...i have to go..or u have to go....or i don't know...it jus seems like i don't know..i know i kan tell u..i know i kan tellu everything..even the stupid stuff..even the stuff i don't want ne one to know...but i dunno lately it feels as if i haven't been telling u all that i should and that ineed.....so i guess this is an indirekt but direkt way tot ell u ..kuz iknow ure usually buzy..an di know u don't have enough time for me as b4....yeah i know that...i understand..so i guess this is a more konvinient way of telling u all of these things....yeah....i know i should jus kallu and read it but i dunno....i have to get used to not having u there all the time..i have to get used to not having someone who totally understands always there a phone kall or an IM away and yeah......i have to get used to being alone again....i know i'm not alone "your not alone..aloonene whowooone" - Home Grown...i know i know...but still i dunno..u know me....i have to b strong..and take sh*t on my own again....blah..oh well....like i used to say when iw as a kid.."..born a loner...still a loner..always b a loner....".oh well ijt ok....sigh....blah it feels like i have soo much more to say but i kan't say it..or it jus isn't koming out right now....i don't know..i haven't blogged like this in a long time...i know i haven't written a novel or nething in what seems forever....mayb itz time for a long in depth blog inside the mind of me......yeah i know i kan b harsh....but itz jus me...u said to b me..and thatz what i'm doing....itz jus hard....i don't know..mayb thatz y my responses to him or whateverz u say usually are 'whateverz' i geusss...i mean how would u feel if i jus met some chick outa nowhere and every single phreakin' 5 min. or so i mentioned sometihng about her or whateverz..and all of asudden not even a week of meeting her i started chillin' w/ her and blah blah balh etc. etc. u know....and i know that u have some kind of feelings for me....i know that would proally bug u ..i dunno..i know it does me..but then again mayb itz jus me...mayb i'm jus really sensitive or blah blah or what not...i don't nkow....i mean i've handled it purdy darn well...i mean i dunno..i kould say worse things.....i dont' wanna go there...but yeah...i dont' really i dunno....if u know how i feel..please tell me...kuz right now..in this very instant i really don't think u know how i feel righ tnow....=/......sigh......i dunno...mayb no one does..but then again whenever i say 'no one does' therez always someone who does i don't know....i thought iknew...and then it all kame krashing down..well not ALL of it...but a good number of it....blah....i know u warned me..i know i should know better..but los iento for being the optimist ok?....is it my fault that i still think everythings gonna turn out A oK......i don't know...blah...i feel like putting my head in the sand or something...i dunno...reminds me of ostriges or something i dunno....hmmmm....i'm loosing my train of thought..gotta put it back on the right rail......itz on...okie dokie pokie...yeah....sigh....blah...i don't know...prove me wrong.....i want u to prove me wrong...i want him to prove me wrong..i want her to prove me wrong...i want them to prove me wrong..i want everyone to prove me wrong..and i want to prove to MYSELF i'm wrong....but i kan't do that if nothing happends....if everything stayz the same.....yeah kuz sometimes i think about it..i mean after all the stuff i've done in my life....i know for the most part i dun a purdy damn good job....and i've kome to a realization that if people don't realize things AT LEAST...and they dont' START to change..then everything iv'e done was in vain...and it was all krap...and i didn't try hhard enough and i don't know..i'm really hard on myself..yes i knwo i know i know...blah whateverz....i don't xpect ne komments..or ne tag board messages or ne IMz w/ komforting words or what not...or answers to my questions....i SIMPLY want is for PEOPLE TO READ....is taht so hard?...i know for most it is...mayb the first step if u really wanna help me...is to read my blog..kuz it says it all.....well not ALL..but a whole lot of it....if u figure this out....well then...b g golly willikers...ure one ure way to figuring me out...haha...good luck..only one person has done that...lets see who elsekan...muwahahaha....wahwahwah....yeah...my fingers hurtnow...i think i'm done.....


.....itz never done
posted by Leon at 2:45 AM