Title: complications of the heart / i must do this

the heart is a strange organ..it feels...and in turn you are aktually aware of whats going on....when it beats you kan feel it....when it speeds up you kan feel it..when it slows down you kan feel it....and when it hurts you feel it. these past weeks have been somewhat krazy...more so very hard on this heart of mine thats beating still. i've had to really really figure out what i want and what i don't want. old wounds have started to ache some what...and i've had to deal w/ that...i've had to figure out why parts that have healed have since begun to hurt as if they were new scars. i don't know but i do know. i want to know and i don't want to know. i was unsure but now i am. i must do this.

i know people who are very klose to me have xpressed their opinions not to sway my decision persay but more importantly to open my eyes to all possibilities. i am very very thankfull for this. for it is they who keep my head straight while i am the ONLY one who kan really figure out what my heart feels. throughout the years i've discovered that one can not seperate their heart from their brain....its impossible..the two work together...unfortunately and fortunately..its a gift and a curse...so i must deal w/ this gift and curse at the same time. i have thought about it a great deal. so much that it has prevented me from sleeping..from eating..from living(?)..and now i must deal..i must find my way back to sleep..i must slowly accept things so i kan eat and more importantly i must get out there and start to live once again.

this year i know i've lived...i've lived thru many things i never thought i would ever experience or encounter. did i know i was going to go through these things?...the honest answer is no. i honestly didn't...i kould of never guessed. but did i ask for it?....in a way yes. and that is my responsibility to take. there was a time in my life when i was frustrated w/ the lack of artistic creativity. i needed inspiration..i needed something to stur up my emotions..i needed something to make me feel again. no, i was not dead. no, i didn't stop feeling. i just needed raw and new emotion for me to work to be inspired to kreate. and what did i do? i asked for something. i asked for anything to happen..so i kould feel again...feel happiness and even sadness...maybe thats what i needed. and well now i realize that this is whaht i've felt so far. it is true one can not have one without the other. and this is a lesson i still learn in life till this day and i am pretty shure i will always have to learn this lesson throughout my WHOLE life. and this is my decision. this is my choice. this is what i asked for. this is what i want.
posted by Leon at 9:27 AM