Title: i kan't sleep i kan't stop thinking i have to just say it.

fuck it i don't kare anymore
i've been holding all of this shit in for way too long

family: what family?! i no longer have a family...a family is a cohesive unit where everything works together and everyone loves oneanother and etc. and etc. but love?...is there love in this family?...no. yeah you heard me right..the answer is no. fuck man i don't think anyone understands..shit...every day i have to kome home and stomach this shit...i have to sit back and hope that no one kills anyone...yeah...your all wondering "whats wrong w/ your family?...everything seems fine." yeah well looks kan be decieving...well basikally i've been keeping this from everyone kuz i don't know how to say it or explain it or just not knowing what people will say when i tell them ...i don't know how else to say it other than my family is falling apart...and that well i don't think i'm going to have one family any more...i dunno..fuck...i hate this shit..fuck you life...fuck you and your g** damn obstacles..and your damn tests..and all this shit you throw at us humans...fuck you....shit....but anyway yeah..so i don't know how else to put it but well the dictionary puts it as...

divorce: The legal dissolution of a marriage.

yeahh i dunno..i've always hoped for the best..but i know things will NEVER be the same..and things have been a fucking rollerkoaster the past year...good times...and fucking bad ass times..i jus hated being here..i used to love it staying athome but i'll get to that point later..but yeah fucking aye...what family..shit there is no family...jus two people who live in the same house...yeah...i dunno..nothing is finalized...and i don't know..i jus knowwhats going to happen..i mean damn..when one person doesn't wear their wedding ring thats a huge sign...and no i don't really feel like elaborating why this has happend...so don't fucking ask me..i'm tired of people giving me their two cents thinking iw ant to here their side of the story kuz they're soo fucking knowledgeable about everything and they know whats best for everyone and yada yada yada...but yeah...i know its going to hahppen...fuck. i hate this shit. Family is what i stand for..its my basis for everything...family this family that..your first teachers are your family...the way your parents are will most likely determine how your future relationship willbe...yada yada...etc. etc. but fuck man..shit. i hate this shit. and then w/ the people who do know whats going on..fuck man...its like everyone has to pick a fucking side and shit..fuck sides...i'm tired of everyone telling me their damn opinion ...i'm tired of people adding shiht to the story when theyd on't know even know whats going down..i'm tired of people being fake toe veryone even tho they really dislike them..i'm tired of it...damn it...fake asses..shit..if you don't like someone then jus say it...then jus deal w/it...fuckin' aye....no wonder this house is so damn isolated from whatever few family functions that are left...they jus leave us out..i dunno..whateverz...damnit...phreakin' aye..i kan't even sleep...fuckin' aye..family HA!..there is no family here.

housing: my house isn't done..will it ever be done..hell if i know...shit..i don't even know where i'm gonna fucking live after i graduate...damn...id don't know if the house is going to be sold...or if i'm gonna have to find my own place..i don't know..shit...so now you know why i haven't really put any effort into my "new room" kuz well...it may never be my "new room"..i haven't formed any real attachment to the new addition of the house..its just whateverez..its just a building to remind me of how things were getting worse...fuckin' aye. i love this house..you don't even know how many good htings happened in this house..and i dunno allt he phreakin' memories..and if u know me i'm all about the memories and the past and everything..and damn my eyes are hurting from looking at the skreen but i'm not done yet so ima keep on going...but yeah damn i love this house..me minus this house i don't know..shit i don't know where i'm going to be living in a year...

birthday: i honestly don't even wanna celebrate that shit anymore..its jus a nother year that'll remind me of how things have gotten worse..and how things will NEVER be like how they were when iw as a child...damn things were so much ezier then. fuck. i don't know. honestly i don't really wanna see anyone on that day. and i really don't wanna drink either. but i said i was going to get trashed on that day so i will. kuz i said i will and i am a man of my word and if i say i'm going to do something then i will. but fuck i know how i'm gonna be when i'm drunk. i'm gonna be fucking pissed off. and i don't really want to show that side of me. kuz when ure drunk u show ure true side korrekt? and well people know me as always being in a good mood..but if u really knew me theres only two sides. the really happy me and the really fucking pissed off me. and i have a good feeing that the pissed off side is going to kome out and play when i'm fucked up. and shit no one really kares about your birthday when ug et older..its jus another year kloser till they place you in a wooden box.

Neil: yeah i worry about my brother a lot..shit i have to. i don't think any one really understands why. i'm the eldest out of the two..and its my responsibility to watch over him and to insure his future and to make sure he bekomes the best..he bekomes better then me at everything..and he reaches his full potential at a y ounger age...and fuck...i dunno. i promised my parents when he was born that i will always look after him..i will look after him until the day i die. and that isn't anytime soon. and fuck i dunno...i bet everyone always wonders why i akt like a dad sometimes around him..and well now u know why..its kuz i have to. i didn't choose to..i honestly didn't..i was born with it. i didn't ask for it. i hoenstly don't want it. but its given to me and i have to deal with it. and thats how life is i suppose. whateverz. i still know that not everyone understands this fakt. knowing that most of my friends are the youngest out of their sibblings..they have no empathy whatsoever for what i have to deal w/ or worry about.

My Brothers: yeah i haven't told you any of this kuz i don't know how you guys would deal..i mean you guys always kome over and hang and it always helps me get my mind off of this shit i have to live w/...and damn..i didn't wanna tell anyone kuz then everyone would get all weirded out and they wouldn't kome over anymore..and then i wouldn't have anyway to forget about everything. but yeah. i mean all for one and one for all till death you know but damn..i dunno about this one. i dunno. its one of those things that i have to deal w/ on my own i guess. but yeah. i dunno. fuck. but thanks tho for always helping me forget about shit even tho you guys didn't really know what was going on.

Danie: yeah i'm aktually going to talk about her in this thing...damn..i don't think i've openly talked about her on here..its usually in my weird kode that i hope i only understand but i know a few klever souls out their have been able to figure it out..but yeah...this chick is awesome...i mean i know this past year its been purdy krazy over all..i mean i never thought anything would happen...i mean i dunno..its been great...the highs and the lows..and i know what a lot of you are thinking and are saying but whateverz....yeah so far shes been the only person this year thats helped me forget about stupid shit and just helped me be myself and have fun and not worry so damn much kuz damn if u know me i worry a lot and in fakt i'm always worrying and thinking and yada yada but she helps me out by telling me to just chill out and to just enjoy the now kuz i'm always analizing the past and phreakin' out about the future..and ir eally thank her for that..i dunno its hard to xplain...well it is and its not but like i said.well i don't think i ever really said it on here but yeah...i like her...yeah ia ktually said it on here...i don't think i've ever really said i liked someone flat out on my blog before..i always talk in kode and hide it and yada yada..but yeah...i like her. did i mention she makes me smile?...but yeah...i don't think she's gonna get this far kuz she's proally gonna get all lazy and her eyes are gonna start hurting and she's gonna b like "wtf?! Noel why do u have to type soo much!"...i dunno i just do..its my blog..i'll type as much as i want.....but yeah....thanks for always making me smile...i know you're not like the others..and i'm really gald your not like them....kuz well the others didn't work out but yeah...as long as you're yourself thatz all i ask for....yeah.........i kan't believe i akktually said i likeed someone on my blog..i never do that...hmmm *thinking..i don't think i have before...no i don't think so....but yeah. yup did i mention she makes me smile?

pD: yeah i honestly don' tknow if u still read this but whateverz i have things to say and i kan't sleep so ima say it...yeah i honestly miss having u around. and i'm not saying that kuz of other stuff..i'm saying it kuz of the friendship you know. damn it was really koool whenever i had a question or a problem and you always had the right answer each time.and right now in this situation it would be nice to have the right answer right now.....but i know thats not possible....and usually thinking of what you might say has aktually helped me out quite a bit since when stuff happend and what not...but yeah....and you'd tell me to not think so much..but i kan't help it.

sleep: i haven't beeen sleeping well..well some days yeah..and some days no...but righ tnow the answer is no...kuz i'm kinda blah...i'm not all that pissed off as when i started this blog..i've aktually kooled down..but yeah damn sleep sounds really good righ tnow

skool: yeah i'm not passing like 2 of my klasses and now u know why..kuz of stuff at home...and fuck..i dunno..i need dto pass kuz i want to fuckin' graduate already so i kan get out of there and jus get out of here..but damn i'm soo skrewed....i need to stay fokused for the next 3 weeks.

leaving: yeah you read it right...its just a thought..a vacation of sorts..how long i don't know..but i know i need to get out of here..i need to klear my head....some may say i'm runing from my problems but i say i need to re evaluate everything...i don't know when i'm going..or where i'll go..or how long i'll stay...but i need to go..even if its just for a little bit...i need to get out there..out into the world.....theres soo much more then what i have here...and i won't really learn to appreciate it unless its gone...and i don't want to take things for granted...so i need to leave...not kuz of any of you...but more so for myself..for me..i need to get some air

music: i kan't write..i kan and i kan't...i dunno..i feel like i'm still being held back...i want to write what i have to say but i'm not sure i fi kan write it down kuz of what people may say and i know i'm supposed to write for myself first and foremost but i dunno...i dunnnoooo.......i need to write again..but its hard most of the time...i keep on writing about the same topics....and i want to stop but i kan't help it...its the eziest thing to write about.....

damn its almost 4 am...but i feel better kuz i got stuff outa my mind...i know i have more to say..and i know that now the kats out o fthe back things will be a lil different i guess..i dunno..yeah thhey'll be different..but whateverz...i've held this in for almost a year...and its been driving me krazy...at least now people will kind of understand why i've been somewhat kind of irritable...and ezily ticked off....but yeah....i kan't help it...i have a certain level of tolerance..and it jus passed that level..that limit...damn i'm sleepy....its 353am...yeah i think i should sleep soon..but damn it feels good to jus think and type...i dunno i think i kan think and type faster than i kan think and speak...is this the future?..who knows..but yeah hoenstly i kan aktually think and type at the same speed...well aktually our brains work wayyyyyyyyyyyy faster but overal i think my fingers kan keep up w/ my brain pretty good...so yeah....yuuup...i'm finally sleepy now..and i'm not all that angry and pissed off...i'm feeling better...i'm goign to be really hungry and sleepy when i wake up later...oh well..i'll jus eat nothing.
posted by Leon at 3:12 AM