Title: why?

Why do i still write in this?

thats a very good question that i find myself asking myself..well who else...hmm i wonder at times why i still type away at this blog...is it bekause i need an outlet for my inner most thoughts....is it kuz i'm looking for some konfermation...is it kuz i'm looking for answers...is it kuz i want the attention..is it kuz i want someone to tell me the answers.....is it my way of speaking to those who i kan't speak to...is it my way of saying what i have to say without directly saying it....i don't know.

at first i wrote in this kuz everyone else had one...and yeah i jus did it to be in w/ the krowd...but as time went on i grew accostumed(fuck i hate spelling) to typing away my thoughts as if there were no eend in sight..believe me..look at some of the past entries...i wrote novels worth in this thing....hmmmm and why is it that sometimes i ask questions or reffer to the reader as if i KNOW there IS a reader...what if there is no reader....maybe there is..maybe there isn't....why do i konstantly look at the "no comment" links and wonder why no one leaves komments...or why no one tags on the tag board any more...i suppose everyone has moved on...or people are too buzy..or people have just forgotten...or maybe they got tired of reading it..i know i would...i mean...hell w/ all the stuff i type in hear...sh(*)t i'd get tired of it too....but hmm.

i think the reason why i still type in hear...is to keep me sane.
its my only way of really saying what i really really REALLY have to say w/out having to wonder about what will happen after i say it...i mean i am my own author...i kan type and say whatever the hell i want...i kan xpress whatever i want..say what i want...and ayda yada......maybe thatz why i like it...kuz i'm' kontrol...these are my thoughts....my words...my spelling errors..my grammatical mistakes...my songs..my poems...my prose...my world.

maybe it gives some comfort....that well despite knowing that no one really kares a rats ass about you besides yourself...i know that i kan re read these and feel good.....it sounds weird..maybe its not...but hey it works...and sometimes i read the old posts and i laugh about what i used to think..or how i would xpress things..or i dunno..jus everything about it...is kinda funny to me now.

but NOW...what about the NOW...i don't know about the NOW..i know but i don't...i understand and i don't....i mean hell i'm a year away from graduating from kollege..and then what..i know what i want and i know that i'll get it if i work my ass off i'll get it...but still...what else is there to life...there has to be more..theres always more..is this why i type in this...to help open my eyes to the limits of my life....and possibly help shine some light onto the possiblities that may await me....i don't want to stay here...i know theres better outu there for me..i know theres more out there....but i don't know what it is....i don't know.

i wish i knew sometimes...i wish i had all the answers...i mean don't we all...we're always wondering whaht to do next..and what would happen if we do the next thing..its like a gamble so to speak...more like a risk for others....kuz w/ risks you know what kould happen....but do we want to take that risk. is that risk worth it.

isn't LIFE a risk in itself?...i mean theres so many things that kould harm us and deffer us from our path i mean damn its purdy damn skarry...at any momment you ukan die....you kan get hit by kar...get shot...trip and falll and break something and die....katch some viirus and die...i dunno..its krazy you know...that life is soo short..and its just a kalkulated risk in itself...you know whats going to happen at the end.....in the end you die....thats enevitable..and yet we still stroll along life doing what we do....some do the same thing day in and day out..while othehrs push their luck and their limits and get out and do something great. hmmm doing something great.

i read an article about the order of children and their success later on in life....i read that eldest children want to own the world. i laughed when i read it kuz its true. i know for a fact there were times when i jus wanted to own everything and have everything my way.. i mean yeah at times i do want things my way...well lots of times...but its funny...eldest children want to own the world and the youngest want to change it....yeah i want to change things too..but first i want to own it...and speaking of owning things...well i started thinking about the book The Great Gatsby.

The Great Gatsby....how he earned everything from nothing..i mean yeah the end didn't turn out that great...but its just soo krazy / and amazing that he aktually worked at what he wanted to do..and he made it happen..and yeah i know it took discipline...and i know in life if you want something your gonna have to work for it and you have to be disciplined but still..damn....thatz just amazing.

amazing...what else is amazing...i kan type away everything...but that wouldn't serve anything its due justice...amazing...life is amazing. it truely is..despite all the negatives...its still amazing.

hmmm i guess i must kontinue to live the life i lead if i am to bekome what i truely want....an artist leads a tortured life.....when i first heard this all the light bulbs in my head went on...kuz its the damn truth....how kan you kreate art from nothing...and boy do i have lots of something.

something.

life.

art.

an artist leads a tortured life.

and this is the life i shall live.
posted by Leon at 10:05 PM